Culture snob’s guide to eating with “bros”

Everyone who cares about culture eventually has to sit at a table with or next to a herd of “bros” from time to time. Even in such a culturally-minded city as New York. Here are some of the basics you need to know to fit in:

Tip #1: Talk about the “value” of every meal you’ve had and the “value” of the meal you’re about to have. “Value” = the most meat possible for the least amount of money.

Tip #2: Comment on all the girls/women around you, especially those within ear shot. Be sure to include descriptive words like “fat” and “ass-ugly”. Proceed to guess who has fake boobs. Boobs are key here. In fact, only big boobs really matter, right?

Tip #3: Comment on the “value” of fake boobs. (see above definition of “value”. Hint: it only has one.)

Tip #4: When describing other restaurants you’ve been to, use only superlatives at the end of each description. i.e.: X Tacos has THE BEST and THE MOST VALUABLE tacos in ALL of NY.  It’s the only thing that will make the other bros listen to you.

Tip #5: If you’re at a sushi bar, only order “teriyaki” chicken because it’s the easiest to pronounce.

Tip #6: Fist bump after you order your “valuable” meal.

Tip #7: Rehash every sports play for ten minutes because everyone at the table has seen these plays 10-20 times in slow motion already. It makes for an easy conversation; the frame of reference is the widest in this area.

Tip #8: Yell “fuck yea bro” after everything you say for emphasis. Say this phrase twice after every mention of chocolate protein shakes. This reinforces the idea that you have plenty of testosterone.

Tip #9: Avoid big words at all costs! Use the 2-syllable rule: only two syllables per word, maximum. Big words will lose your audience and create a perception that you’re a “pussy”, aka, book reader.

Tip # 10: Be sure to use your loudest and deepest voice in saying all of the above. It’s important to verbally run over the conversations of others sitting around you.

Tip # 11: Repeat ad nauseum until you get a strong urge to watch sports center.

-AR